A Heavy Day

I try to be as upbeat and positive as I can. Even when things in my own world aren’t going so great, I live and treat others as if all is ok for me. In short, I don't want to burden others with my burdens. How are you? Fine. All's good, and you? Fine. Smile. And, behind the curtains, I allow myself to say that things are not fine. But others don't need to know that. After all, fake it 'til you make it, right? 

With all the places my life's journey has taken me and all the opportunities I've had to experience and learn, life is good. Better than bad, sometimes good, and in moments, in the midst of the bad, it is still good. I guess, whatever life throws at me, somewhere in me I am convinced that I can find a way to make it through. There is and always will be hope. Even when the road is rough and the night is dark, there is always hope. The sun will rise again, won't it?

The thing is - we are all struggling these days. All throughout North America, Europe, Asia ... all over the world, times are hard. And no one who is feeling overwhelmed with their own stuff needs to hear another who overwhelmed, as well. People are generally pretty self-obsessed and actually have a hard time truly listening to another, without insertions of their own struggles and difficulties. People, generally, have the mindset of making anything primarily about themselves. (Something else to write about another day!) So, I listen to theirs, I give them space, and keep mine to myself. I've often said, “We are all broken.” We are all struggling, we are all angry and damaged and confused in ways we know, and in many ways we are unaware of. We all have made mistakes, we have hurt others, we've been selfish. We grapple with what it means to live today. We wrestle with things in our mind. In our heart. Things we don't understand. We hear the problems in the world around us and wonder when will the sky fall on *me*. Wars on my doorstep. Economic collapse and catastrophe around me. A mess in the  Parliament. A mess in the White House. The latter is not my world, but sure saturates and inundates my world. Neither knows the other but they bleed into the same space. And the Powers really have no clue what is happening in the trenches. We are but pawns in this game of their making. They speak smooth words, convince us they have the answer ... and *we* believe in an ideology, a political party, a person - these are right. The others are wrong. These will protect *me*. These will help *me*. These will make this world a better place for *us*. But - those who oppose *me* ... are wrong. They are destroying democracy, destroying *my* world. Those who disagree attack *me*. So *I* attack them. And *I* hate them. *I* call them hateful, with mocking names - They are stupid and idiots and wrong. They are the destroyers. *I* am standing for what's right. *I* will not work together. *I* will not accept friends and family with different beliefs that deny people human rights; *I* will not ask to clarify; *I* will not be open for dialogue. *I* know already, and *I* don't need to find out any more, and nothing *you* say will change *my* mind. *I* am right and *you* are wrong. Delete.

[Inset: As I wrote this, I saw how I flipped between writing <I> as myself and *I* as the self. One is my thoughts, opinions, and responses as my own person, and the other is the external *I*, the devil's advocate who watches how close and how distanced each is from the other. So, when the writing is from the other *I* about the other *you* (not targeting or pointing to <you> the reader, but *you* who is outside *I*), the pronouns will be encased with * *, so you know I am not attacking you.  I hope that makes sense. For, am I the *I* or am I the *you*? That is for me to examine in the mirror. I hope that as you read this, exactly what my struggles are become more real for you. For I hold no anger or animosity towards you. We are both on the battlefield. But, just maybe, I can nudge you to a new point of reflection on yourself? Or nudge myself to a new point, too. Who knows.] 

I remember watching the movie All Quiet On The Western Front a number of years ago. There is a scene where the leaders of all the nations at war with each other are negotiating, attempting to find a way to end the war. And, as negotiations drag on and nothing is settled, the people on the battlefield are being killed. While leaders sit at their cushy chairs in a luxury coach on a train, hemming and hawing over this or that, having delicacies served to them on silver platters, people on the battlefield are being killed. One wants this to be, while another wants that, but won't give in to this; hours and days and months go by, and people on the battlefield are being killed. In frustration, a character mutters, “All that’s left separating us from an armistice is false pride.” Because of that false pride, nothing is finalized. And hours tick on. And people on the battlefield are being killed. In the end, no nation gained or lost anything they set out to achieve. The national borders are right where they were before the war. And, after 4 years, 22 million people were killed. For nothing. There was no winner and everyone lost. 

That’s what I feel is going on now. The elites, the "leaders", the influencers, the wealthy, and those who embrace power are making war while we are on the battlefield. 

People in their ivory towers are playing God, thinking they know better and best, telling *me* what *I* can and cannot say, what *I* can and cannot believe, what *I* can and cannot do … and people on the ground are being killed. Their hope is dying, their positivity is dying, their dreams are dying. Their health and wellness and all they looked forward to is dying. Their belief and trust and faith and love in and for their neighbour ... all are dying. Their homes and lives and potential are dying. And the people in their ivory towers don’t know, don’t empathize, don’t care. Because they are right. They want what is right, as they see it. They say the right words, but do nothing. All they care about is their false pride. All they care about is looking good. What they claim to be right results in the killing of the people. But they spout their arrogant diatribes, attacking the other and holding up their fist in power of the righteous. They don't understand at all what those on the battlefield are living. And what they are losing. And that they are losing. They have no care for *them*, because it's only about *us*.

I was subbing today. And as I sat at the desk, looking over each student, watching as they interacted with others, or engaged in the assignment, I wondered. I watched how they treated each other, how they treated the teacher. One left to go to the washroom and walked right in front of the teacher as she was talking to the class. As I walked by another, with a quick flick of his finger, what was on his screen was instantly replaced with what his assignment was. How much did they know of what was going on around them? How much did they think about it? Inside that classroom? That school? Inside our nation? or our world? How much did I know about their world? Was I as oblivious to the world around me when I was their age? Only interested in what was immediate gratification for me? Was I as disrespectful and dismissive to adults or authority or peers as many are now? Did I think I knew it all and blamed the system for my horrible life? Did I ever ponder what my parents struggled with? I look over all these students, and I wonder what their lives are like now. Do I know what they struggle with? And wonder what the world will be like for them when they are 20 years old. Or 30. Or 50. If I look back: 20 years ago was 2005; 30 years ago? 1995. 50 years? 1975. 1975. Vivid memories rush back from all years. In 1975, I was in junior high. The age of these kids before me. Do I remember the Vietnam War? Vaguely. It wasn't my war, but I did know about it. Do I remember Margaret Thatcher? Yes - "the Iron Lady". And popular songs on the radio: "Love Will Keep Us Together" and "Why Can't We Be Friends" and David Bowie's "Fame" and Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" were all big tunes. We had good music then. I remember hearing about this crazy thing called Woodstock, and about "free love" and "civil rights" and music that I didn't quite understand. There was a second wave of feminism, a call for equal women's rights, a shift for women to have their own credit card and own their property without a male signatory. I do know I respected those older than me. I didn't understand about the chasm between men and women, but I sensed it. I knew my single, unmarried aunt was different, and I admired her for it. I do know I was curious, but quiet. I knew there was change going on around me. But, I feel - the change going on around our students today ... doesn't hold a candle. God help them when they reach 20. 30. 50. 

But from then to now, the change is almost incomprehensible. It pains me to say: and not for the better. At the same time, I believe people are still good. As a group, I think we are on a collective, dark path. As individuals, still people - broken, in so much pain. Angry. Lost. Obvious to so much. ALL of them. ALL of us. And that includes me. But we still have the same longings. Those have not changed: To be loved. To be in community. To be healthy. To have dreams. To live a better life. To hold on to hope. Somewhere over the rainbow ... 

I'm a both/and kind of person, not an either/or. My world is about nuance and all; not black or white. I respect all people, not just those who open the door for me. I find faults with communism, and I’m for community. I find faults with capitalism, and I believe that work brings reward. I find faults in equal pay and handouts for all, and I support providing help for all who need it. I find faults with colonization, and I’m for progress of civilization and common ground. I’m against labelling in ALL its forms, and I’m for the intersectionality and the subtly of each individual where there are unending differences and at the same time commonalities for all. I’m against playing God and contributing to the “stupidity”^ of the world, and I’m for knowing what is immutable across time, person, and state. I can actually think of some people who I might support denying them certain human rights, but unless you are curious and ask, you will almost certainly come to a very horrendously wrong conclusion; and I am for equality, encompassing all, without exception. I’m for BOTH knowing and questioning. I’m for BOTH truth and Truth. I'm for BOTH humility and confidence. I'm against things and for things on each side. Nothing is black or white for me. What is absolute and what is flexible? Where both are ok? Where both are detrimental? And yet, in reality “seek to understand” is no longer the path we collectively journey down, as the path we actually seem to be on is more focused on “seek to destroy.” Because *I* am right and *you* are wrong. Maybe in a way, I believe everything holds, simultaneously, at best and worst, at least both a nugget of truth and a speck of falsehood. 

[My heart is heavy - quantum thinking is simultaneously my superpower and my personal nightmare. I have mentioned quantum thinking before, but will address it more thoroughly later. Simply - it is to see the good in all sides of an issue while, at the same time, also seeing the bad in all sides, and all the variations in between. The goal is to then bring all the good together and leave the bad behind to envision and create a new good that is a win-win for all. I rarely get offended with statements from others; I see statements as opinions. Difficulty comes when I ask questions ... more and more, things often don't go well after that. I don't get upset, but it sure upsets the other. And then ... I become the enemy.] 

No one thinks they are the bad one, the protagonist. Everyone is either virtuous and righteous or a victim. No one thinks of themselves as the evil one, the one causing or contributing to the problems in the situation. The thing is, biologically, we are wired to prefer people like us. It's how we were created, for our safety and survival. If *you* can identify “the other”, the “out-group”, “the enemy”, it makes it easier to dehumanize them and destroy them because *your* brain is telling *you*: “I’m in danger, I have to protect myself. This is the enemy. I have to destroy it.” It's neurologically what's going on inside all of us. 

But, there is also cognitive dissonance reduction in play. People want to see themselves as good and smart. (Not to mention, the Dunning-Kruger effect, where we think we're smarter than we actually are ... but for another time.) So when people are thinking or saying or doing something that might not be that ‘good’ or might not be that ‘smart’, they have a very hard time recognizing that what they’ve just thought, said, or done doesn’t define them. Occasionally, they might be able to write it off as a bad day, but this is rarely extended to the other. They are convinced it does define them, so to ensure they maintain their self-righteous confidence, they start to distort reality. More and more people are finding it impossible to handle their errors, that it might actually be their error in thinking, so they start distorting reality, so they don’t have to face the reality of what they’ve actually done, so they can maintain their mindset that they are right. Or what they've approved with their behaviour or lack thereof. This is manifest in a mental discomfort or tension that comes forth when a person holds two or more conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes, and when their behaviour doesn't match the heart of these beliefs or values. So when a person conflicts with an *other*, the person rarely sees from an external, distanced, objective point, and only from the internal personal one. 

And, then - something happens. A person is now no longer able to contemplate and turn over opinions or varied thoughts, but instead invests their whole identity into a person or belief or ideology. Who they are now is completely enmeshed in the ideology or political party (or against a group), or in support of a person. This ideology or political party or person has been given the power to make all the decisions for the person; to decide for oneself would be to go against the identity, and that will not happen. Critical thinking towards the ideology or person or politics creates distress and sensitivity and trauma. That is a threat. So, when things come to light that not everything in that ideology or person or belief is in line with one's own values, or someone tries to engage in a conversation and point out that all might not be what it might seem like, the solution to removing this feeling is to distort reality. 

Now, take this a step further. Not only do people invest their entire identity into this ideology, and embrace the ideology or person or political group to tell them what to believe and how to treat others, but they take their belief in an ideology or politics or person to an extreme and over-identify with them. This is so much the explanation for our world - this comes to the point where, if someone disagrees with *your* beliefs or politics, it's not a difference of opinion but a danger-filled personal attack against *you*. A hate-filled attack. This is a 'them', and 'other', and *I* am in danger. *YOU* are attacking *ME*. It is personal; it is internalized to be a direct threat, an attack against *my* person, *my* safety, *my* wellbeing. At this point, all rational thought is gone. Left the building. And the lizard-brain kicks in. And vitriol comes out. And *I* am now completely justified in every action and attack, every disrespectful and verbally abusive word against *you*, because *I* have perceived *you* to give it first. *You* are the enemy, therefore *I* dehumanize *you*. (Not unlike groups throughout history have done to targeted people in order to justify their extermination.) A person might claim the label of being a Christian; yet, one has to wonder at their definition of that word. It's almost as if they've made God in their image, the faith is one of their making, and they have re-written the bible to support their theological ideology. Especially when all interaction with an *other* is full of verbal abuse of any kind. After all, *I* am the righteous and right one, so this is *my* stand against the evil one, the misguided, the stupid one, the idiot, the traitor, the enemy. *I* quote, "Love your neighbours as yourselves!" but *I* only love those who are like me, who believe like me, who embrace the same ideology as I do ... the others are dehumanized, non-persons, the threat, the enemy, and I am justified in my anger and my hate. They are not worthy of compassion. They are not worthy of respect. They are not "as myself." Delete. 

Today, one of the two main things that made my day heavy was --- No one sees that every - single - person is part of the problem. No one sees we have become what we hate. No one sees how we contribute to this every time we feel attacked and are threatened and lash out and take it personally. No one sees how, in their ethical stand, they are throwing fuel on the fire. No one sees how, when we 'correct' another, believe or respond in the conviction, that we are the righteous and virtuous, mocking or hating or belittling the 'other', that we have become the problem. No one sees how we have contributed to this, the role we have played in our collective reality, and are part of the problem, not the solution. For ALL of us. It's not about 'they' but about 'us'. ALL of us. 

As Nietzsche once said, "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby becomes a monster. And, if you gaze for long enough to the abyss, the abyss will gaze also into you." It is inevitable. Which is one reason why my day today is so heavy. The hatred towards the *other*, the righteous ideologues who are unable to see beyond their enmeshed absolute identity in whatever they cleave to, makes all conversations or suggestions about differences not only no longer an option, but it's also justification for dehumanizing destruction towards this threat and attack against *my* person. 

I have talked to many and asked, if "an other" was on the road, would *you* slow down or speed up? Would you stop to help or turn your head and pass by? Would a solution to this war be to remove 'them'? And often the response is ... what do you think might be the answer? Or, from another angle, I ask, 'How has this come about?', and the response is all finger-pointing to 'them'. Their fault. They did such and such. Completely oblivious to how *I* have contributed to it with *my* hate and attacks and dehumanization, *my* inability to listen and ask and be compassionate, *my* certainty of being right. To hell with relationship. No, *we* are here because of *them*. 

I remember hearing a speaker once ask - do you want to be right? or do you want to be in relationship? Many times throughout history, relationship was important for us. Vital for us. We survived because of the community. We truly understood that we were stronger together. But today, the almighty *I* has the power. Today .... the answer every time I've asked this, is, for almost everyone: *I* want to be right. *I* am right. It doesn't matter what *my* ideology or politics or person or beliefs are ... *I* am right. And fuck relationships ... especially with 'them'. *I* cancel them. They offend and disrespect and threaten *me*. They are dead to *me*. *I* pray for their crash, and *I* celebrate and rejoice when it comes. For it will come. For *I* am right. God is on *my* side, *I* am righteous. Dehumanize them. Destroy them. They are the threat and the danger. Delete.

Today is a heavy day. The media is full of the shit-show in the States with DT and his tariffs and threats and accusations, attacks on our sovereignty (as if we have a price-tag), with Canada and our chaos in parliament where there is no leadership, and every leader seems to be more interested in ‘what’s in it for them’ than how can our people be helped.  One leader who lived for the photo-ops, for looking good in the eyes of the public, who - instead of attempting to genuinely empathize with citizens of his nation, labeled 'them' with being full of hate, fringe extremists, of abusing and taking food from homeless, and being racist; many reports said this was false, but he gave no proof to his labels, and instead - froze their bank accounts, celebrated when they lost their jobs. Cancelled them, dehumanized them. 'They' are the problem; *I* am the righteous one. Another one with subversive comments, opaque stands, obfuscated and unclarified goals and plans, hiding important qualities, refusing to be transparent and truthful to the nation, and expecting things without working for them, choosing a photo-op instead of picking up the gauntlet ... with superficial and vacuous entreaties of "I’m here to help you live a better life!" while whispering under his breath for no one to hear, "I have no clue and don't care what it’s like to try to buy groceries but need the money for rent instead. I have never gone to Superstore and have never had to choose between bread or milk or eggs, because I cannot afford all three at once. My agenda is more important than the people of this country." And the attacks they aim at the other, why can they not just focus on what they will do, how they will solve the problem, instead spending so much time insulting, shredding, and dehumanizing the competition and their support? An actual comment from a leader in parliament: “I personally, as a mother and wife, look carefully at my credit card bill once a month, and last Sunday I said to the kids - You don’t need Disney+ anymore; let’s cancel the subscription. … I believe that I need to take the same approach to the federal government finances.” ... "Besides, the economy is doing well and Canadians are just in a bad mood." What?? WTF??? We solve our real-life and real-world problems by cancelling our Disney+ subscriptions?? Of course, managing a 450 billion dollar budget is the same as managing a household credit card when you're making $30,000/yr. Of course, all problems are solved when *I* cancel my Disney+ subscription. (And what if I don't have one?) The epitome of this smug, clueless, entitled, virtuous person made me want to scream. I'm not a temper-tantruming child, but wow - I'd like to let loose on her doorstep!! That is more than a mockery, more than a slap in the face. It’s like sitting in a luxury coach on a train with her tea and crumpets while people are being killed on the battlefield. (And the abyss stares into me.) 

What are we telling our kids? Teaching our kids? Modelling for our kids? What are we showing them about how they are to treat others? Authority? Themselves? The other? What's our goal? Compassion or superiority? Being in relationship or being right? 

Today is a heavy day. If the external anger in the world is overwhelming, then the internal pain is the icing on the cake. In addition to the above, the second thing I am struggling with is my own personal fight on that battlefield. With the abyss and the dragons. Even with the shitshow fireworks exploding around me, even with threats and fears and escalations of all things life-threatening, the weight is heavy inside. I am not ok. I have made mistakes. I've made poor choices. But that is not a reason to be punished. I feel in so many ways, anything I've worked for has become sand sifting through my fingers. The world is such that even what I have, I feel has no worth. Even what I can offer is not needed. I'm not yet old enough for that help but I'm too old to receive this help. I'm not poor enough for that, but the bit that I have is not enough for this. And, for support, there is no one. For help, nothing. People offer suggestions, and my hands are still empty. Everyone is in it for themselves, and I guess that makes sense with what our role models are showing us. I get it; at the same time, it puts me in a very difficult place. On my own battlefield. 

Today is heavy because the weight of my life in this moment is crippling me. I fear for my financial future, my autonomy is threatened, and I don't know where to turn; and in this world at this time, being at this state at this point in life is heading to being killed on the battlefield. A casualty of the war around me, making me one of them. And, truly, does one more really matter? 

Consider the following: I am being evicted. "There are many apartments to rent," I'm told. "We are putting money into affordable housing," my leaders say. Yes, there are apartments but the cost is as much or more than my month's salary. Those that I once could afford, that I could afford now, no longer exist. "We are going to build more affordable housing!" (but that's not for today, or this year, or ...) ... where the cost is out of reach of those that need housing to actually be affordable to them. You say 'affordable'???  ... to who?  Certainly not me! (They turned downtown empty office buildings into "affordable housing" - the rent? 3/4 of my monthly income. The thing is, if *you* have never lived like them, how do *you* know what they need? If *you* have never bought a loaf of bread, how do you know what it's like when *you* can't afford one? Oh right ... cancel your Disney+ subscription and *you* can now afford these things, right? Or be a single mom, I was told. Then *you* can get $650/month per kid. Have 3 kids and then you get almost $2000, and you're set. But this isn't me. This is something I made a conscious effort to ensure would never be my reality. A value of mine was to give any child I had a solid home, and that never became my reality. I chose a degree instead, and now, here I am, hands empty, on the battlefield ... alone. Or, some say, "Get another job." But - ageism is alive and well. I've tried, and every time come up empty handed. Maybe this is a way to (quietly) remove the elderly? MAID won't be needed; the battlefield will kill them instead. Dehumanize them. Destroy them. Remove them from all hope. The abyss will win and dragons are we all. 

In All’s Quiet On The Western Front - there is a line towards the end. A character says, “The stench will remain on us forever.” And now, too, when the future looks back on the leaders of today, I hope they -too- will be disgusted. Or maybe not. Maybe all of *us* will be removed. And only *they* will remain. Regardless, the "righteous" will survive, won't they? The "righteous" are always right. And everyone, in their own eyes, is righteous. 

Tomorrow, I'll pick up my socks, put on my big-girl panties, and enter into another day. I might lose this battle, but the war is not yet over. Besides, I tell myself, I know how the story ends. Help me be worthy of my suffering. And I will still smile at all and offer a compassionate listening ear wherever I can. I'm not giving in yet. 

^ I use the word "stupidity" as defined in the Theory or Philosophy of Stupidity. This does not mean lacking in intelligence; instead, it refers to a mindset that is maladaptive and often an oblivious and destructive behaviour characterized by a resistance to logic, facts, and reason, refusing any form of correction or curiosity because of the absolute certainty of being right. I will expound on that in another blog. <Ignorant> says, "I don't know and I realize I don't know but I am open to learning." <Stupid> and <stupidity> says, "I know already, and I don't need to learn anymore, and nothing you say will change my mind. You are the one wrong, not me." 

Reflection on Reality

Today, I am going to resist swinging from one extreme to the other. No catastrophizing today. Generally, I don't like to colour any one situation with any one colour, anyway - even though I tend to fall down that hole, especially during times of stress, anxiety, and a perceived lack of control. I do believe life is full of nuance, overlap, diversity, give and take, various hats, and responsibilities. Maybe that's why I resist being identified as a label more and more. No one label is who I am; stereotypes lead to misunderstanding and simplistic thinking. Yet, at the same time, I do believe knowing what your values are and knowing what is consistent and unchanging in your world is a good thing. We all need an anchor to attach our ship, or we run the risk of floundering in the middle of chaos, never landing and never growing. Metaphorically and for-really, "setting down roots" is a good thing. 

I've been doing some time interacting with counsellors, mostly young things with not much life experience. At the same time, I don't want to dismiss where anyone is or has been - even I was there at one time. After all, this is about the journey, is it not? I was responding to someone earlier today - how important it is to people that the one we go to for support has more than a passing knowledge on that which we need support. Something that is grounded and unchanging. My example was - it is important for me when I go to a cosmetic store (say, MAC or Sephora) that the make-up artist who is helping me is at least 45 years old. Over 50 would be nice. "They all have training on all skin types," I'm told. But let's be real - "training" on aging skin versus "having to do your own face of aging skin every day" hold definite differences. My skin was lovely when I was in my 20s, 30s, and even 40s were good. Now, at 60+? It's a nightmare!! I get why women my age and older just throw on moisturizer and go! 

So, what does this have to do with our reality today? good question. 

I might be a certain "maturity", but I don't fit many stereotypes of that age. I'm reading about "the patriarchy" and "misogyny" and I don't get where the vitriol is coming from. Blaming these two external things for the misery in one's life. I'm not saying that either of those words has no relevance in the world today, but I'm wondering where the relevance vs one's personal responsibility and control diverge? And don't get me wrong either - there is a definite 'nudge' towards a way of life that people perceived was better in the "past". However, I will come again and say there are those nuances again - yes, Part A, B, and C might have been better, but there are also Part D, E, and F that were not. (Families might have been 'stronger' but there were no dishwashers! Or Mom might have stayed home, but also she wasn't able to have her own bank account.) We have moved beyond parts D, E, and F into something much better - not perfect, but better. And to return to the "past" does a massive disservice to our growth to now. Nuances. Both/and. Not either/or. Why can't we have BOTH a strong family AND a dishwasher? 

I came across a word recently - quantum thinking. It means (as per Google AI): a way of thinking that considers all possible outcomes of a situation, even if they contradict our preconceived notions. It encourages us to embrace uncertainty, and to accept that truth doesn't always have to make sense. [Going to ignore wrestling with the meaning of the word 'truth' for now.] Quantum thinking challenges our assumptions, categories, and structures and invites us to embrace paradoxes, uncertainties, and ambiguities. It is not a simple concept. It nudges us to embrace critically questioning the validity of all information, breaking a concept apart into different points of view to construct a new solution. I also recently came across another thought that is part of this - The Theory of Stupidity. According to this (which plays out in many realms of life!), Stupidity is in direct opposition to Quantum Thinking. Stupidity is a mindset of certainty with no need to question, because the almighty "I" am right, whereas Quantum Thinking is the mindset of inquiry and at least senses there is more than that "I". Our world is full of Stupidity, of that I have no doubt. At the same time, understanding the difference between the two, it is crucial that I hold up a mirror regularly and check to see if I see that reflection of me in the mirror. 

How about I examine each of those at a later time? 

At this point - let's turn the flashlight on a few areas of the world around us now. (A) Canada, (B) USA, (C) the World. Honestly, you'd think that if Darwin was right, we wouldn't be going through the chaos that swirls around today! As humanity, we would have grown beyond it. But no - the pernicious creeping of dangerous corruption is strong. Maybe it's not as noticeable today because everyone thinks they are an expert, and no one can pull the wool over their eyes. Oh, Humanity, you are fascinating! And so off-the-rails! Your train is about to go off a cliff and the tracks are nowhere in sight! 

I wrote on my FB recently about control - how to let go of what I have no control over and manage what I have control over. And what is that which I control? How I respond to things. The things in my life - for the most part - I might be able to influence the outcome of a situation, but do I control that outcome? No. Too many variables. But inside me, how I respond to that incident, and those outcomes - THAT I do have complete control over. 

Tony Robbins had a free 3-day event last weekend. And that came up in his teachings. Not in those words (though the thought was the same) - State/Story/Strategy: people think that if they get the right Strategy, they will change their reality. But the fact is -- first, they have to change their State of mind before they examine their Story. What do they tell themselves about the self? And then - find the Strategy to change. A huge part of this is how we see an obstacle in life. Or an identity we tell ourselves over and over (I'm a failure, I'm too old, I don't have ...) - that negative Story needs to shift or we (inside) will always endeavour to maintain a balance, and the negativity will never leave. If I believe I'm a failure, then the internal me will seek to maintain that in reality, which reinforces that Story. So, what do I have control over, again? My response. And, by extension, my Story. I might be old - how can that help me? I might have lost - how can that help me now? what lesson? what strength? what wisdom? 

Back to Reality - Canada. I said in a previous entry that we're f*cked. And, I think, in part because of this all-or-nothing thinking. The hatred towards DT down south is strong - but, if you do a bit of quantum thinking, and look from the point of view that "life happens for you and not to you" (another Tony Robbins teaching), how could his presidency (which I truly have no control over) benefit me? Well, I am definitely getting a clear vision of what it means to be a Canadian. And, I am teaching it to my ESL students. I am determined to find a way to honour my fellow Canadians and support them wherever I can. I will persevere to impact whoever I can and be a positive influence in the world around me. I will pray for the leadership in the USA and Canada - that if things are going off the rails and those in power are becoming consumed with power for their own greed, to strengthen those that are about community and not self, who can influence the greed and power for the good of all. Not just the one. 

It almost sounds like I'm taking on socialist concepts! Or maybe, even Marxist or Communistic beliefs!! But, I don't think so - I do believe in working for progress, using individual gifts and abilities. I do believe that we are NOT equal, though as a human we are. Some are stronger, some have more business acumen, some know how to manage better and inspire better. We each have our own gifts; in that we are not equal. But as humanity, a person, like Shylock says - "If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die?" All people need the same to live. Air. Health. Love. Respect. Compassion. However, one thing that does not get enough credit is that we all, also, need community. We are a village. None of us have been created to live on an island. And, as that village gets bigger and bigger, problems arise. Is that good? I don't know. It makes it much easier to lose track of those on the peripheral, to have people fall through the cracks and no one notices. 

To be continued ... from my perspective, what is the reality for Canada today? What is the reality for the USA? for the world? and I know these are all a singular perspective - mine. But I will do my best to engage in Quantum Thinking as I reflect on these three areas and come to some kind of conclusion. 

A good time to stop for a bit. To regroup my thoughts. Where to go from here? Observations are good. 

Until the next time ... 

My Superpower : Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing - viewing or talking about an event or situation as worse than it actually is, or to assume it will have the worst possible outcome. That is the state of the world as I see it. It’s not just for Calgary, but for Canada … and don’t forget the USA now that DT has won a second term … and let’s throw in the world while we’re at it. Wars and wars and rumours of wars. The end of the world as we know it. Any minute now, that red button will be pushed and we'll all be incinerated. 

It would be so easy to join the masses and their doomsday thinking. It seems that it doesn’t matter who, everyone thinks we’re sliding down the hill to the bottom, it’s just that who you talk with gives you different ways to slide to the bottom. One side says it’s going to be through fascism, the other side says it’s going to be through government control and hedonism. More say it’s a collapse of the economy and still others say it will come through environmental catastrophe. Honestly, it seems as if there’s no hope. No matter how you slice it, we’re f*&ked. 

I have found that I do have a tendency to get lost in the weeds of chaos. Ever since September 11, 2001, I have actively followed world events. I did before that, too, but not with such engaged interest. I remember watching key events growing up: the Challenger explosion, watching the white Bronco (OJ Simpson) weave slowly through the streets of LA, even remembering where I was when I first heard that Elvis passed, and hearing that Prince passed, and the crash that killed Princess Diana. So, key events have stuck in my brain. But when the planes hit the Towers, everything changed. It was no longer a matter of random world events, but I started to become very aware of manipulation behind the scenes. 

Don’t get me wrong - I was not oblivious to the build-up to WW2 or Mao’s accession or the Bolshevik uprisings. I am fully aware that things went on behind closed doors and in clandestine corners before those came forth in their full ‘glory’. But those small things? The planning that went into the Night of Long Knives? The meetings before the Czar was arrested? Those I never really thought about. Maybe it’s age. Maybe something shifts along the way … from the awareness of one’s personal circle to noticing things are happening outside that space. And then thinking … if I’m becoming aware of these things now, how much more has been going on for all that time before? And how much more is happening for which I have no clue? 

Add to this - technology. We are all so interconnected that the instant something happens on the other side of the globe, everyone can know about it within minutes. What’s the saying - if a butterfly flaps it’s wings in the Amazon rainforest, it can cause a hurricane in Mumbai? The butterfly effect, chaos theory. Its essence is that the smallest things can have a massive effect on spaces we are completely unconnected to, but, in this way, we actually are connected. Each impacts more than the self. The actual concept was developed and published in 1963, and I’m sure there’s much more to it than that. But it seems to me that, in ways they never imagined, we actually see that playing out now - in an environmental context (as the media is full of problems the world over: earthquakes, flooding, hurricanes, forest fires), but also in a political context. The wars in Ukraine and who comes to their defense; The IDF and …?? War - I thought it was Hamas and Hezbollah, but now Netanyahu is being charged with war crimes? Why not Hamas for the attack they did in October? See? Something’s going on behind closed doors and Average Joe and Jane have no clue. Most people are supporting Palestine to take back their land … but what about all this other stuff?? And the fact is - we know these things, in worlds that we are ignorant of, because of technology. And … the manipulation of details by the media to guide us to a certain way of thinking. And whose idea is this? 

I think, to some extent, there have always been conspiracy theories, people connecting dots in their world in bizarre and strange ways. A footprint that appears to be bigger than normal - Bigfoot! A meteor lighting up the sky - alien invasion! I remember when I worked for organizations and those who had authority over me completely dismissed my ability to contribute to the whole in a positive way. So much that they would not even grace me with any kind of discussion engagement. So, when things happened that had a great effect on me (management change, juggling of responsibilities), not only was I not included in the discussions but I was ‘dictated’ the changes without input of any sort. And if I tried to comment, “If you are not in line with our vision, then you will leave.” A question leads to dismissal? Power. Authority. Despotism. Dictatorship. Is that where capitalism leads? But it’s not just capitalism. It’s any time you have a hierarchy of power. And when Power does not communicate, the commoners connect the dots to make sense to them; even if there is no truth in it. But for me, there was truth - I believed the truth was because I was not "young enough", I was not "submissive enough", I was not "Indigenous enough", I was not "ignorant enough". Was it? I'll never actually know, but those four were common dots to connect common threads from what I witnessed. And boy, could I make a conspiracy theory about that!! 

So, here we are now. On the brink of massive change. An environment that has always been in a state of flux, but now, it’s spreading and increasing. To now, the changes have been minuscule, tiny. Always there, but because of our development, not really noticeable. But now? Change, and - if you listen to the doomsayers - we’re on the brink of complete annihilation! The leader of our nation actually said a few days ago, “It’s really easy when you’re in short-term survival mode; I’ve gotta pay the rent, I’ve gotta buy groceries, let’s put climate change on a lower priority. There’s a sense that affordability is in direct contrast with our moral responsibility to protect the planet.” What?? Do you mean, we are to protect the planet first and then put food on the table and a roof over our head? What kind of shit is that? Oh - it’s coming from a person who has no clue what life is like in the trenches. Just like his finance minister said we can solve our problems of rising costs by removing our Disney+ membership. How did these people get into their positions of influence? How can they be so callous and ignorant of the struggles of their people? Doesn’t it sound so much like the serfs and lords of the manor in days of yore? 

And then on one side of the border is DT, making plans to hunker down and “make America great again” by putting completely ignorant people in positions of great power. And, fears of fascism and loss of rights and a new world control, Handmaid’s Tale in reality. But don’t they see that the other side was becoming just as powerful, only in different ways? If you questioned the zeitgeist, you were ‘canceled’, you were shamed and mocked, the Chinese Struggle Sessions were making a comeback in the hallowed halls of learning. Say something the popular kids found offensive, they were determined to subdue any opposition, anyone deemed enemies of the rhetoric was silenced, and any rivals were crushed and removed. That’s what our leader JT did when people expressed frustration over the lockdowns and forcing of vaccines if they wanted to keep their jobs or travel across the border. Instead, JT froze bank accounts, declared the War Measures Act, and refused to talk to anyone. In a DEMOCRATIC nation.

What a world we are living in! I could completely curl up, pull the covers over my head, and check out. The problem with that soon would be - soon the roof over my head and the food in my fridge would be gone, and I’m sure the government wouldn’t help me at all. Just another casualty of life. Just another number lost in the statistics. Like the collateral damage from war. Unintentional but unavoidable; oops, oh well … what do our leaders have to be concerned about? And - if they are not voted in next time, they have a pension where a year’s income will exceed all the money I’ve ever earned in my lifetime. 

I don’t know if I’m catastrophizing or noticing dots I’ve never noticed before. I don’t know if I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, or if there’s more to my concerns than becoming suspect of anything that I see, read, or hear. I am beginning to doubt everything I hear, I am tagging “and” to everything someone says. And, what have you left out? What have you not told me? What else is there that is not here? I’ve become so accustomed to being the bottom rung of the stepladder, that for far too long I’ve just accepted everything. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t assume that “all will work out.” The sad thing is - I also don’t know who to trust. And that’s not a good way to live either. 

But, without a doubt, things are changing. Sunny days are gone. The smallest hope is to find the occasional ray coming through the clouds and enjoy the moments it warms your face. There will always be moments of gratitude, but the good days are gone. For now, anyway.  

PS. Before posting, I need to include a small addendum … Catastrophizing is very much based on media. On our instant connection and with those that sell media to “get the clicks”. And what gets the clicks? Bad news. And fear. 

I wrote the above last week; this week I got to sub in a Grade 10 humanities class and had a most incredible discussion with a young person. A very intelligent and perceptive young person. Don’t ever think future generations are lost in ignorance. 

This Grade 10 class was reading Factfulness by Hans Rosling, printed in 2018. (Title is a slight play on the concept of ‘mindfulness’.) The basic premise of the book is that when doom and gloom is put forth, it is never put forth in accurate explanations. It’s the bias of the writer/publisher that comes through to manipulate the readers to perpetuate heightened and intensified emotions and contribute to the collective anxiety. No wonder our world is going into such a mess! We have so much information at our fingertips, but we are unable to parse in order to determine what is valid and what is manipulated. 

My chat with this young woman went down the path of critical thinking. This book, on one hand, opens the eyes of the reader to show that things are not as bad as they seem, and that if you take a more global perspective, the gap between various groups is not as great as people think. But, even in the book, there can be a bit of a dismissive tone, a ‘don’t worry so much!’ message, when he, too, comes from a perspective of bias of which he seems to be unaware. This young woman shared with me the need to really reflect on information, even from the source itself, how are the results obtained and how are they manipulated; how does globalization come into play? I admit, knowing that these young people are thinking and being taught how to think, to examine and question is wonderful. I did ask a few questions, on birth rate and cultural identity, and listening to her answers - even though I didn’t fundamentally agree with everything she said - gave me hope. Her answers weren’t randomly given; they had thought and they had values behind them. And maybe from the younger generations, that’s a good place to start. Their values are going to shape their reality - know what they are and live by them. Who can fault them for that? 

In the end, it’s easy for anyone to catastrophize, easy to start down that spiral trail that just goes deeper and deeper. And if you surround yourself with others who are doing this already, they just make room for you to jump on board. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Someone said to me recently - we’ll all die from something. We are all headed in the same direction … what you fill your lives with determines the quality of your life. I want to be aware of what is going on, yes, I want to be informed of the options and the foundation of those options (not just the stat but how that stat came about), and I want to always be on the lookout for biases - in others, media, and myself, and in the end, nothing is ever completely roses and sunshine or fire and brimstone. But I also want to be perceptive of the moments of goodness around me, even though they might be small. There will always be a bit of both. Sometimes a bit more on one side than on the other - that’s where gratitude comes in! Faith, Truth, Hope, Love. 

Maybe I’ve talked myself out of this as my superpower. Or, maybe by naming it, I realize that that’s a mindset I do not wish to continue. It’s a waste of energy - and it’s best to put energy into other things. Other thoughts, other actions, other perceptions, other beliefs, other mindsets, other knowledge and understanding. Away from fear and towards Hope. Away from anxiety and towards Truth. Away from panic and towards Faith. Away from catastrophizing and towards Love. How ironic that this is at the start of the Advent season. How about I continue this in another place? 

So, if my superpower is no longer catastrophizing (though I’ll likely slip once in a while), what might my superpower be now? What do I want it to be? Hmmm 

I’ve decided my word for 2025: Amor Fati … Love your Fate. I think it fits. At least it will help calm my mind at times like this.

I think I need to search for a new superpower now. 

The Conspiracy of Life

We are living in very interesting times. I’ve been saying this for years, and it seems to only prove to be more and more true. Maybe it’s my way of trying to keep perspective, maintain a sense of optimism, or -at least- dark humour? I heard the other day that because of the people who are now behaving like children, throwing temper tantrums and pointing fingers, we have abdicated maturity, intelligence, and critical thinking for a society of developmentally stunted and egocentric fools. Harsh words, but might there be some truth to it? 

I know there have been times when people have been very divided on certain issues - the Vietnam War, Charlottetown Accord, gay rights. Societies have always had things to struggle over. To pit Group A against Group B. But (is it me?), it seems that we’ve lost some form of thinking as we pit these As against the Bs and whoever has a stronger voice (do not read: science-based concept or well-developed thought) has the “power” to cancel (read: destroy) the other. This isn’t based on critical thinking or sound rationale, science-backed or critically-grounded, it seems to be more and more based on immature drama and a return to over-the-top histrionics. If I don’t get what I want … !!! I am the only one to have a say! You have none - shut up and do as I tell you!

I’m sitting here, genuinely trying to wrestle with how to explain what I am witnessing in the world around me. It stuns me - I would have thought that, if Darwin had any weight to his theories, this would never be happening. It’s as if the world around has gone crazy. Insane. Abdicated all our progress. Regressed back to diapers and thumb-sucking. “You offended me!” “You didn’t affirm me!” “You are a -phobe!” “You are a -ist!” Honestly, name-calling and whining is everywhere! Even from our elected officials in leadership! The thing is, it’s like we have just enough knowledge to use big words, but we have no clue what they actually mean. Or, better yet, they mean what WE tell them they mean … just like a child looking at the grass and calling it pink. Or, worse yet, describing it as something completely unrelated. Twisted. 

But, that’s part of it - words that we once could be assured to have a definite meaning are shifting, oiling into definitions that they never had before, or maybe completely erasing the meaning they have. And it’s not like words have remained static since their creation, but they have been seen in progress, not completely wiping out former meanings within short years. Thus, when a word is used for the purpose of communication, and you are thrown off centre, no longer able to be sure exactly what the person is saying … and often they don’t either, where do you go then? And, I ask you, what is that going to do, not only for communication, but for legacy? For passing knowledge on to future generations? And more …? 

Where I live, since Christmas this year, there has been much talk about a coming drought. The water tables are dangerously low, we are heading into a drought. Water will be rationed. Times will be hard. We didn’t get the snow we usually get, and now we will ‘pay’. All part of climate change. All part of the destruction of the earth. It’s coming, don’t you know? We’ve brought it on ourselves! …. And then the spring rains came. And came. And the talk changed. Maybe things weren’t so bad after all. We were getting water! It was turning around! We won’t have the drought this year! Yay! … And then … 

In the city I live, a feeder water main ruptured last week. And the entire city, as well as surrounding communities (1.5-2 million people?) are now under a strict water conservation advisory. If we don’t do this, we will run out of water. And, man, is there talk about suspicious backroom dealings! So much information not being told, so many threats and fears and ominous intimidation and control. Drought then rain, and now a crisis with the water main break. The threat, then release, and the threat returned. What??? 

Now, I’m not saying it isn’t so. I actually do think it was shitty luck. But I am also saying that I’m sick of not having adequate information and being expected to fall into line without any question. It happened during the COVID pandemic, it’s happening now, and I suspect my nation is not the only one, and this won’t be the last time. I don’t know what or who to believe anymore. And when words change, I’m not sure that what I’m understanding in my confusion is what the message is meant to be. No one is being forthright and truthful anymore. Everyone is manipulating words. For control. For power. I’m not doubting that COVID was real; I know enough people or family of people I know who got very ill, and still are. But many of them got very ill even when they received the vaccines. And me? I don’t think I got it at all. Not yet. 

I’m looking back over so many incidents throughout history, particularly closer to this point in time. And, I suspect there is much going on in those backroom dealings that we, the Common Person, have no clue about. Conspiracy? Probably. But I also have no doubt that there is likely a shred of truth in all or most of it. 

See, here’s the thing. When there is no information, when communication gets hazy and confusing and ambiguous, when our leaders are not transparent and open on what is happening, forthright on facts and why it’s happening and where they get their information from, when they completely ignore the people who voted for them, accuse them and call them names, and appear to keep things “secret”, that is the perfect breeding ground for conspiracies. No information, no truthful information, provides the perfect space and suspicion for others to fill in the gaps. In whatever way they can. And usually, their conclusions are waaaay out in left field, but … hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day. 

“Truth” … an interesting word. Another word that I’m starting to think has different meanings for different people. “My truth”, “your truth”. What is truth? Is it constant? Like the North Star? Or is it always shifting with the wind, like a balloon in a tornado? And if there is no constant, then what good is a word like “truth”? Maybe that’s a word for another entry. 

Suffice it to say for now - in our world today, the lives of the people who populate North America likely are all nose-deep in various conspiracies, hunting for whatever will fit their bias, filling in the gaps with whatever will stroke their ego, pointing fingers at the ultimate “you”, and affirming their state of the ultimate victim. Lost in their world where everyone is like them, and no one can tell them they’re wrong. As for me, I will play my cards close to my heart, I will watch and listen more than I speak, and I will not follow in the footsteps of those I describe, I will be inquisitive but not vocal. I will think for myself and challenge my thoughts and biases. I will ask lots of questions on what do you really mean by … ? 

Intelligence is a far distance from maturity, and further yet from wisdom, and when everyone thinks they’re intelligent … then I have serious misgivings. Too many holes in that cheese. 

Cell Phones - Demon Spawn or God’s Gift?

The first cell phone was sold in 1983. I got my first cell phone in 1996. And I remember my brother getting his first Blackberry around the same time, maybe early '90s. I remember standing on a balcony of a hotel room in Kananaskis and he showed me his new Blackberry, what it was, and how it is helping him with his business and clients. Who would have thought that in 40 years our world could change so much? I guess I shouldn’t be quite so surprised. I remember being in Seoul in 1998 and beepers were all the rage. But every now and then, someone would have a cell phone. Something they would talk on with someone else. Like the phone in your house, but in your hand. I remember sitting in a restaurant in one of the ‘towns’ in Seoul, watching a couple out to dinner. Both on their cell phones. And not a word was exchanged between the two of them. 

Of course, the first cell phones were almost prehistoric compared to what we have now - you could make a call and store phone numbers at best, but today! All the bells and whistles we now have at our fingertips are almost unbelievable! At first, like everything else, the rush of something new. A new toy, a new gizmo, a new distraction. For those of us attracted to the next shiny bauble, it was captivating for sure! Now, I was never one to have enough money to jump on every bandwagon that went by, but the cell phone was something that offered safety. A sense of security. And being a single female, I have always been aware of what I needed to ensure my surroundings were as safe as possible at all times. And, a cell phone fit into that quite well.

I remember when I took the step from cell phone to smartphone. My first iPhone - around 2010/11. An iPhone 4. I was obviously late to the party; I do remember asking a friend about it and he said that it will get to the point where it will be permanently attached to the end of your hand. And, in the last 14 years, as much as I want to say that ‘I control my phone’, there are times when it definitely controls me. And that’s not a good thing. 

Today, over 50% of cell phone owners never switch their cell phones off; 71% of smartphone owners sleep with or next to their mobile phones every night; 75% of cell phone users admit they have texted while driving at least once; 40% of adults check their phones while in the bathroom. Average screen time for children 8-18, 7.5 hrs a day which is equal to 114 days a year. AVERAGE ... which is more time than they spend in school.

Some more stats that are a bit more concerning:

• Compared to teens who only spend an hour a day on electronic devices, teens who spend 5+ hrs are 71% more likely to exhibit suicide risk factors.
• 47% of parents surveyed believe their child has a smartphone addiction.
• 67% of teachers surveyed noticed their students being negatively distracted by mobile devices. 
• 41% of teenagers feel overwhelmed by the number of alerts they receive on a daily basis.
• 85% of teens surveyed claim it is difficult to stop once they start.
• 67% of teens report losing sleep due to tech use late at night. 
• 33% of teens spend more time socializing with close friends online than in person. 
• 52% of teens sit for long periods of time in silence, on their smartphones while hanging out with friends. 
• 26% of car accidents are caused by cell phone use while driving. 
• 51% of Americans between 18 and 40 years are concerned about the impact their phone use has on their physical health. 
• 56% of people believe using their phone less would bring happiness to their partner
• According to 2019 data, 86% of smartphone users will check their devices while in conversation with friends or family,
• On a global scale, more people have smartphones than toilets. 
• 40% of all consumers and 60% of those 18-40 years old admit to using their phones too much.
• On average, people will spend 5 years and 4 months of their life on social media. 

I don’t think people are using their phones for safety. And, for all the information we now have (literally) at our fingertips, we sure don’t seem to be smarter for it. If we did, we’d have better relationships, better health habits, and better self-discipline because we could truly understand the benefits to our life. Instead, our mental wellness is in the toilet, addictions and anxiety and attention problems are skyrocketing. Relationship skills that lead to healthy connections are weakening and starting to vanish. Sure, a lot of this could be blamed on the COVID pandemic of 2020-22, but the fact is that is also when cell phone use increased exponentially. 

I am a teacher. I work in a school. What I witness daily has me concerned for the future of our youth, and by extension, our future society. I often wonder if things were like this when I was a teenager. Were the older people concerned about us in the same way? What were their fears? Teen sex. Drugs. Smoking. Maybe in the city, gangs. The thing is, with cell phones, the bullying and teen pressure have gone global, not just with their school and community acquaintances. And, I think the whole area of sex has really shifted, too. But that’s a huge area for reflection another time. The fact is, there is no kid that does not have a cell phone. Where I work, they are not to have them in the class from grades 5-8, but they do. They are discouraged from use grades 9 and up, but they all are never without them. Their eyes are never far from their cell phones during their time in the classroom, and they never stop playing their games, checking their messages, liking other's posts, and secretly "hiding" them under the table. I could ask them to put their phone away, and the instant my back is turned, they're out again. The picture here (above) tells a very problematic story of what's happening in classrooms today. One class, about 80-90 min long. Each stroke is an interruption to focus, learning, and concentration, for EVERY student in that classroom, not just those that own the cell phone.

Now, I’m not the kind to say cell phones should be banned. Though I do contemplate this for schools! I made a comment in a FB group (substitute teachers) about this and I was shocked at how many were vehemently opposed for two reasons: (1) they wanted to have constant contact with their kid, and (2) if there were to be a school emergency, they wanted their kid to be able to call them. That’s it. For immediate reasons. No thought or concern to serious future problems, just satisfy their instant need now. And the opposition was STRONG. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a kid, but I would hope that IF I got a cell phone for my kid, it would be for one number only - mine. And I would call ONLY during breaks or after school. They could call any time they are not in class. That’s it. But I think I am an anomly; I wonder how many of those strokes in the above photo are from parents? I have no doubt that there are some at least. "Helicopter parents" are not a joke. 

It is my wish, for myself, to endeavour to have absolute control over my phone at all times. I know for myself, that if I am in a meeting or in class, I will not answer my phone, whether it’s a call or an alert. I know that when I am with friends, I will do my best to leave my cell phone in my purse. It is important for me to give 100% undistracted attention to whoever I am with. I do my best to avoid checking my phone or even using it when I am in a class, though I will use it for alarms to signal the end of a time block or class. If nothing else, I believe I need to be a role model for students. How much they notice, I’m not sure … but for those that do, it’s important for me to show life without cell phones, to show how I control it and not it control me. 

I was in a class the other day, and I asked some students - would they describe their cell phone as a tool for empowerment or a chain for enslavement? Most said a chain. The one who said a tool also said he had no problems leaving his cell phone at home during the day. He is a rare creature indeed! 

I truly think that our success as individuals as well as a society will be dependent on whether we control our phones or whether they control us. Our progress will be defined by it - those who manage their phones as a tool will be empowered and will contribute to improvement in society. Those who allow themselves to be controlled by them will find a chain wrapped around their neck; they will be filled with anger and anxiety, they will be unhappy and enslaved to misery. And they won’t know why. 

Demon spawn or God’s gift? 

That’s completely in your hands. And don’t say one day that you didn’t know. 

Happy New Year!

2024 

I don't know if I ever thought that I would get this old, and if so, what would I think or want to think about my life at this point. I don't know if I ever set goals or dreams to achieve by this point in my life. What's the saying - if you don't know where you're going, you'll never know when you arrive? Maybe that's my situation - I'm somewhere ... but is this where I wanted to be? My answer - a vehement no ... but then, where? Where did I want to be? I don't know. And that's the problem. 

Hmm ... 

Many people set New Year Resolutions, things they want to change or become or do in the next year. For me, if I did that, I'd set myself up for failure, I'm sure. For the past few years, instead of NYResolutions, I've been giving my year a word. This will be "My Year of ...." and I'd fill in the blank. Over the last few years, I've given my years the words of Thresholds (2021), Metanoia (2022), and Ruach (2023).  I'm not sure if I wrote on those in the past (maybe I should go back and fill them in?), but this year, I've declared this The Year of Memento Mori.  Remember Your Death. 

That might sound morbid, or depressing, but it's not.  It's meant to contemplate that life has an endpoint, that this life will not go on forever. There is an end that we all will reach. Since I have gone to my share of funerals in the last couple of years, and since I reached the age last October that is the same one when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I thought this was a good word for 2024. Memento Mori. Remember My Death. I will not live forever.

More fitting - if death is coming (which is a guarantee), what do I think still needs to be completed before I reach that? What 'songs' do I still have in me that need to be sung? What have I not yet done that I still NEED to do? Not want to do, but NEED to do?? Maybe another way, what is my purpose, have I completed that or what do I need to fulfill that? If I was sent to Earth for a reason (and I'd like to believe that is the truth), what is that reason? Have I done that? Completed that? And is there anything for me yet to complete? (certainly not the cleaning that surrounds me!) What has this life of mine led to so far? And where do I yet need to go? After all, if I had completed my mission, I'd be dead, right? And I'm not ... so, that would mean ... ??? 

On my phone, I have a picture. Where most people put pictures of their family or a cute saying or holiday photo, I put a picture that reminds me of my Word of the Year. This year the one I have is the photo to the right >. When I did a search, every picture connected to this word had a skull on it. This photo has the skull, but it also has a candle - to me, there's hope in that candle. It's not finished burning yet. There is still wick (life) left. The skull is there - death is there - but so is there still life.

So, the essence of all of this is - get going. Don't stop now. This is not the time to slow down. Figure out what you want and get doing it. Now is the time to determine that goal and move toward it. Death is coming. You don't want to die with that song still in you. That is my 2024 message to myself. And every time I open my phone, I'm reminded of it. 

How about you? What's your resolution? or what's your word? And how will that play out in your year for you? 

And with that, I better get going. Time waits for no man! (or woman!) Start with ... where am I going? The time for down random paths in random directions is over. Time's a-ticking! 

The Soundtrack Of My Life

Tonight and tomorrow, December 1 and 2nd, mark the last two touring concert shows for a rock band of my youth, KISS. "You wanted the best! You got the best!  The hottest band in the world!!!! KIIIISSSSS!!!" 

I posted the following on my Facebook today:"Over the next 48 hrs, I will be in a quiet state of 'mourning'. Tonight and tomorrow mark the last 2 touring concerts of KISS, both in NYC. Imagine - two young kids: both Jewish, one born in Israel of holocaust survivor parents in 1949 and one born in 1952 in NYC of Jewish parents and with microtia, which left him with a partially-formed right ear, and deaf on that side. They started in poverty on the streets of NY, see where they are now - full circle. They had a dream to give an audience a musical experience they never had before and will never forget, to become the band they wanted to see on stage. When you set a dream, when you don't give up, when you persevere through unbelievable odds ... amazing things can happen. Fifty years of experiential concerts full of pyro, lasers, hydraulics, confetti like snow, fun songs with no vulgarity (but lots of sex!), genius marketers and masters of license, and no drinking or drugs. For those of you who have seen their concerts over 50 years, you know they give their audience an incredible experience. No other group does a live concert like they do. Aging between 63 and 73 years, it is amazing that they still give a 2+ hr concert with that energy. Do you know any 73 (almost 74) year-old man who can wear a 40lb costume for 2 hrs while performing, constant moving and being levitated for the full time? Others might say they might not be "the greatest American band of all time", but disagree with me, I would say they are #1, and have outlasted all others. And they definitely are "the hottest band in the world!!" and the most influential on the industry. All others copy. There will never be another group like KISS ... I am sad when I look at the young people today and know they will never know the experience of a KISS concert, or the joy of dancing to Rock'n Roll All Night! I'm so grateful to have grown up in the time I did, to have this group as one of the significant contributors to the soundtrack of my life. Thank you, KISS, for 50 years. You are unique, there will never be another. We, your Army, will never forget you. 

It made me pause and reflect on what is the music of my life. Who are the groups or solo acts that have left their mark on me? And, I wonder what that says about me today? In loose chronological order:

#1 - Shaun Cassidy: my first 'music crush', somewhere in Grade 7? 8? Da-doo-ron-ron! Oh, how I enjoyed the lightheartedness and fun of that song! Yes, this reminds me of my youth, of that budding sense of sexuality, in some small ways. I know many liked his brother (David), and he was adorable, too ... his 'smoky voice' can still make me swoon! (Maybe there was something a bit more ... carnal? ... about David for me? He was the first passing in 2017 and I was definitely affected.) But this was my first step into pop culture, and I was typical, I think. A young cute boy, very representative of my time. By high school, my 'obsession' with him had waned. There were many other teen idols at this time, but Shaun was my favourite. I didn't much get into the others ... cute, yes - but not obsession.

#2 - ABBA: I was a big ABBA fan. This was no longer a teen-idol thing but a group I really enjoyed for their music. A variety of tunes and at one point, I had all their studio-released albums, except the last one: Voyage. I thought their music was good, and occasionally there were songs that had lyrics that meant a bit more than the surface meaning. Maybe, in some ways, this was the first time that I saw a song could be more than a song.

Seems to me now / That the dreams we had before / Are all dead, nothing more / Than confetti on the floor. / It's the end of a decade. / In another ten years' time / Who can say what we'll find / What lies waiting down the line / in the end of eighty-nine. // Happy new year, happy new year / May we all have a vision now and then / Of a world where every neighbour is a friend. It's about grasping onto the hope that things will somehow get better next year despite all signs pointing against it. Sadly, I think this pointed to the end of ABBA. Oh, how far we have all come since 'the end of eighty-nine'!! Their music was fun, a feeling of hope, even though it was often tinged with sadness and melancholy. But then came numbers to kick your shoes off and just have fun! Let the sadness wait for another day!

#3 - Chris de Burgh: I distinctly remember the day and time I was introduced to his music. In Gr. 11, I had the opportunity to go to Newfoundland with a school program. After I had returned home, I had a gathering at my place. I remember Dean Hagman was there, and he played the first CdB song for me. I think they wanted to see my reaction! (little innocent me!) Patricia the Stripper. I can't remember what the second piece was, but I suspect it was In a Country Churchyard. That is one of my favourite songs to this day. I was able to see him in concert this last year, promoting his most recent album, Legend of Robin Hood. I think this is where I started to be captivated with things ancient, things Celtic, things ethereal, things historical. de Burgh began his music career as a troubadour, playing in the pub of his family castle. This fascination with times gone by has something that has embedded itself in me, and I still listen to his music today. They are all stories: haunting, beautiful, poignant. I have even used his music in my poetry class - it's not only melodic but the poetry of the lyrics are soul-stirring.

#4 - Prince: 'Pop' music from the 1980s! During my university years, Prince was huge. Especially since I went to a college in Minnesota, Prince's home state. There was a lot of 'new wave' or dance pop. Notice, a genre popular in my teens was Disco, and it wasn't something I was really into. No markers from that throughout this reflection! Prince is the closest. Again, I think I liked his musicology and there was a romanticism about how he dressed. His music was amazing, full of energy, a 'fullness' that was often missing in other performers. He loved his music, that's for sure. I was quite affected when I heard of his passing in 2016. It was a direct connection to my college days and the realization that time has definitely passed. It was after his passing that I realized how much of a musician he really was.

#5 - AC/DC: Ahh ... rock! In private, I was a rocker gal. I don't think I ever had the confidence to live as one, but in my heart, I rocked with the best of them! And, AC/DC always gave me a shot of energy! I remember in my club and dancing days, put an AC/DC song on, and I HAD to get out on the dancefloor! Maybe it was the place where I could 'safely' rock out without my 'inner-rocker' being on display? There were other wonderful rock groups at this time - I am so grateful that I grew up during this time! - Van Halen, Led Zepplin, Aerosmith, Ratt, Scorpions, Twisted Sister, Whitesnake, Bon Jovi, Poison, ZZTop, Motley Crue, Guns 'n Roses, Huey Lewis & the News, Heart, Queen, to name a few: the days of the Hair Bands! I still love music of that day! Judas Priest and Alice Cooper were good, but that's about where I drew the line - Ozzy/Black Sabbath and Megadeth were too 'thrasher' for me, and something a bit too anti-something. I looked over the rock bands of the 90s ... yeah, none of them impacted me ... by then I was moving into the following ...

#6 - Harry Connick Jr. - I started to follow him right around 1993. I know this because I got his Christmas album at this time and never looked back. I'm sure I discovered him before, but this album highly marked itself on me. When My Heart Finds Christmas and What Are You Doing New Year's Eve - easily the most romantic songs I know. This man's piano skills are met only by the next choice. His style, and his ability to create arrangements and compositions of jazz, funk, big-band, and romantic ballads are dear to my heart. (And he has some of the BEST Christmas albums out there!) Everything about this man is wonderful. Again, notice how a sense of romanticism, of beauty, is woven through this music? His soundtrack to When Harry Met Sally launched it all for me, I think. I could put his music on and listen to it forever ... thankfully, there is more music I love that could sustain me forever with him. But Harry will always be special to me.

#7 - Diana Krall: Another pianist extraordinaire (and Canadian!). There are a few Canadian jazz performers that I have fallen in love with (Jill Barber, Holly Cole, Molly Johnson, Terra Hazelton), but at the top (and with an extensive representation in my CD collection) is Krall. Sultry voice, mesmerizing playing. Again, my romantic heart is on full display. Beauty - something I realize is crucial to me is beauty: visual and auditory (and other forms, too), but these two are central. If I could create a world where this music feels like 'home', then I know that I, too, will have come 'home'.

#8 - Michael Buble: Another Canadian! And another fantastic performer! Full of humour, full of genuine, authentic love for his audience, full of an amazing performer. If Harry doesn't have the best Christmas album out there, then the honour goes to Buble. A showman like few others, he can connect to each person in a 20,000+ person arena and give each an incredibly joyful experience! I remember first seeing him on Days of our Lives (when I was an avid fan) in 2003. From then on, I was hooked! His ability to sing both big-band and ballads was right up my alley! I still avidly follow him and was lucky to see him a second time in concert about a year ago. (I'm not as crazy about him as my friend Allison, who has seen him something like 20 times in concert?, but I am a definite fan and can get lost on all his music.

#9 - Elvis Presley: in my opinion, one of the true greats. A person who came from nothing, with a desire in his heart, and turned the music world around. I remember when he passed in the summer of 1977. One of the moments my world stopped. One day, just before Grade 9, I was playing with my brother and his friend Grant, and I had hidden. I heard on the radio of his sudden demise. It didn't bother anyone else when I shared my shock, but I was incredibly saddened. His music truly created the music of the teenager, his movies were fluff and he always sang beautiful songs. That man's voice could melt butter! Throughout my life, whenever I've heard a song of his, no matter how cheesy or how heartfelt, I will stop and breathe a moment of gratitude that he was a defining part of my life. There was a purity, a simplicity, a genuine love for humanity that I felt in his music. I never got the feeling that stardom and personal wealth were the reasons he got into the business; I feel that it was more about a love for music and sharing it with people. His gift was his voice; in sharing it with those who listened, he changed the face of popular music. Thank you, Elvis. Contrary to your fear, you will always be remembered! You are the King!

#10 - KISS: Remember I said in secret, I was a rocker-gal? These four guys were why and continue to be. Now, to be honest, my fandom doesn't hold a candle to what is in my brother's heart, but in my way, these are the rockers to beat. They are the best, no questions asked. Gene said in a recent interview that they are a band that crosses all lines, that can be enjoyed by son, father, and grandfather, alike, all with facepaint and all with their hands in the air. I will say that my love for these guys is completely anchored in my brother. I loved their popular tunes, but it was him that turned me into a fan. He shared with me their stories, about their struggles, about their dreams. I think what ties KISS and Elvis in my mind is that they both came from poverty, from being 'behind the 8-ball'. They should have never done what they did - Jewish poverty, from holocaust roots and deformities. Today, kids would blame these for why their lives are miserable. Instead, Gene and Paul created a dream and set out on a road to bring that dream to reality. Lots of negative press, lots of mocking, lots of criticism, lots of up-and-down ... and now, 50 years later, they can look back and know that they are icons of the industry. They have stood the test of time. An achievement that I doubt many more will ever achieve. I've seen them twice in concert - once Nov 12, 2009, and again on Nov 12, 2023. I don't think anyone else will ever have a concert like them - a love-in with a driving rock theme! And they know that it was their fans that helped them; their appreciation for us is evident in every concert. Even though they will never tour again, they will forever live in my heart. And will be my secret love. (And, no doubt they will keep making money!) 

(Short ambiguous note: I will always connect KISS in my mind with 'miracles'. Who would have thought that God could move through this band in ways that they will never know? Thank you, KISS; and thank you, God, for KISS!)

You can take a stand, or you can compromise / You can work real hard or just fantasize / But you don't start livin' 'till you realize / I gotta tell ya!

God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you / Gave rock and roll to everyone / God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you / God gave rock and roll to you (to everyone he gave the song to be sung) / Gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to everyone

I know life sometimes can get tough and I know life sometimes can be a drag / But people, we have been given a gift, we have been given a road / And that road's name is rock and roll!!

Gave rock and roll to everyone / God gave rock and roll to you gave rock and roll to you / Put it in the soul of everyone / God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you / Gave rock and roll to everyone!  

(The above song is played over the PA system at the end of every KISS concert. Not a bad message to leave their 'Army' with as we all depart for our 'normal' lives, eh?) 

I have always loved music. My mood can change at the drop of a hat depending on what music I am listening to. Key for me is loving music that has good 'music' to it - the whole package: musicality, flow, lyrics, ability, voice. I have studied classical music for 14 years, and have an extensive personal music library (mostly CDs at this point, but albums and cassettes are still floating around); my YouTube account has a good 20+ self-created playlists, some with as many as 200 songs in them. And they cover the spectrum! I love choral music and symphonies; I ADORE musicals. I saw my first live musical at the age of 4, but I knew The Sound of Music long before that, as I knew THAT was NOT Julie Andrews on Stage! And my little 4-year-old self promptly let everyone around me know that! I've seen so many shows over the years, (40?50? not counting the shows I  volunteered in) but I have never been to NYC. Maybe one day.

For all the music I love, for the new performers I have yet to discover, the above 10 bands/performers hold a special place in my heart. Because of them, I can find energy, I can feel positive about life, I can become captivated with beauty, I can get lost in music, I can tap into that little girl inside. My music tastes are diverse and ever-expanding, but these 10 will be with me forever. 

This is the soundtrack to my life.

*** Addendum written on December 2nd, 2023: I purchased the PPV of KISS's final concert in New York City last night. Bittersweet. A couple of observations: Man, do their kids love them! And everyone talked about their perseverance, their tenacity during tough times, their dedication to bringing the concert to people that they always wanted to see. Their legacy is encouragement to be who you want to be, to live your authentic self, and to love all. They spoke about how their music crossed the boundaries of generations and brought people together. They spoke of their love for their fans, which without, they would be nothing. Their final concert was beautiful - I have access until midnight January 1, 2024. I know I will watch it a few times! And ... in the end, a 'gift' of sorts: they have become immortal. They have gone the way of ABBA and have become avatars. When I learned of this with ABBA, I thought more iconic performers need to do this; and my first thought was KISS need to do this. And guess what? I wasn't the only one thinking this! Who knows where this will lead! How wonderful to watch God Gave Rock and Roll to You with their new avatars! As Paul said, "KISS is bigger than any of us." I wish them many blessings on the next chapter of each of their lives!