Yesterday, I got into a "discussion" with someone I formerly thought was 'family' to me, and am not sure today if, in this person's opinion, I am family or not. So, I struggle with what this might mean for me now.
Today, in some movie that was on TV, the following statement was made: "Family isn't whose blood you carry. It's who you love, and who loves you." Which doesn't go in my favour. If I love the person but they don't love me, then that is not my family? I'm quite sure 'love' might not have been something my here-to-fore-thought-of-as-family-member has ever felt toward me, and certainly not at this point, remembering all the words hurtled at me. I would never say things like that to someone I loved as a family member. But that is me.
So, who is 'family'? And what, if any, responsibility to we have to/for them? There is a reason for this ... to come into play later.
Family - the obvious first answer: blood. Genetics. Sharing the same parents. Those that carry the same "something" as you, that is passed down through generations. Ok. So far, so good.
According to the Business Dictionary, Immediate Family refers to: Someone's spouse, parents and grandparents, children and grandchildren, brothers and sisters, mother-in-law and father-in-law, brothers- and sisters-in-law. Adopted, half and step-members are also included. Another definition: parents and children living under the same roof. And then we have the above, genetically based and the one above that - anyone you love and who loves you in return.
So ... does this mean, say, if you do not love your sibling, then she is not family?
The first part might be in my favour, but still, I am no closer to anything. When you are young, yes ... when you are older, not so certain anymore. How can one come to a definitive answer if all you get are wishy-washy, feel-good, kum-bye-yah answers? If 'family' can be anyone ... and, in Cain's words, "I am not my brother's keeper", where does this leave me? This helps me none with resolving the 'discussion', and I am still out in the cold.
So, now what? I know once, when I was a child and my mother and father were alive and I lived with them, they and my brother and I made a family. But then, we grew up. Now, my parents have passed and my brother has moved, has children of his own, and is in a relationship with another woman ... so does this mean I no longer have a family? How is it that one might be able to think that cousins are family, but not a sibling? Or does this come down to what (if any) responsibilities one has towards 'family', and not if they are?
When I look to the Bible, much is built around family - Adam and Eve were told to go and multiply, lineage/family history is undoubtedly important. How many times does some writer list the family path line from Abraham to Jesus? It would seem that the building block of creation is the family - mother, father, children. But what when they grow? Easy answer according to scripture: they are to go and make their own families. So, what does that mean for me? I have no family? have I failed? I have let down creation? and this is my punishment?
Ok ... let's say I have no family. Not a great feeling. But let's go with that for a moment. Oh sure, people say they care like family, but if I were to enter a difficult time, I know I'd still be on my own. After all, I would not expect anyone to drop their responsibilities to help me. Kinda like I was told by my brother - he is not responsible for me in any way. Maybe I should also look at 'what does responsibility mean? and what does that look like in action?' And how does that play into this? (for now, let's save that for another rumination) I might not expect them to drop responsibilities, but is it true that he is not responsible for me in *any* way?
I might not get a solid answer on 'who is family' from scripture, but I definitely get a solid one here. Somewhere online, I read: "God commands us to care for orphans and widows. When He gave the Law to Moses and the Israelites, He gave instructions for how to treat the orphans and widows among them—with
harsh consequences promised if they failed in their responsibility. In the New Testament, James says that taking care of the needs of orphans and widows is part of religion "pure and faultless. Caring for those in distress is not optional for followers of Christ." Pretty clear - those who are in distress, who are without family, are to be cared for. And, I don't believe this is only for children - after all, as one gets older, they become more in need of others. And if 'family' is not to help out, who is? And, in another place, when discussing Cain's statement, 'Am I my brother's keeper?', Cain was essentially saying he was not responsible for
his brother’s well-being. This shows a calloused lack of love and concern on Cain’s part. Church history does not look favourably on Cain for his selfish response. This was a result of his hatred and anger. Human history has been marked by this core attitude of a lack of concern for the care and well-being of others." Whoever wrote that ... I like what he said. Makes me also think about myself to others ... and not just others to me.
I once was told, "If you weren't my sister, I'd want nothing to do with you." ... and another time, "If this does not work out, I will hold you 100% responsible and never want to have anything to do with you again." I don't know what I did so bad to cause me to be removed from the family, to be despised so. When I hold someone in such high esteem, to be held in such low regard ... I don't know what to say.
After thinking on this, I am going to take a stand - I believe there are a few levels to family, from immediate family, to extended family, to our global family and family in God. We are all inter-connected in some way, and in that way, we ARE our brother's keeper. We ARE to care for our fellow man, we ARE to encourage and support and help them, as we are able. And from here, yes, we ARE to care for family. We are responsible for them - in this way, we are not to abandon them or leave them on their own. Especially if they are alone. Our society might say that we are responsible only to/for ourselves, but that is not what the Kingdom of God puts forth.
Maybe that's one reason why we are so messed up - we've lost this connection in so many ways. Stronger families, regardless of age, are stronger in most other ways. I wish this was my family. Maybe I should find others that are like me ... without family. Because we need a place as well. And, I know that my niece and nephew need to know that I am part of them. They need to know that we are family, regardless of whatever they hear. And they have a special place in my heart because we are family. Plus, in some cultures, aunties hold a very special place in the family! And, even if I hold no place in this family as an auntie, I know I am one ... and I need to honour that role, regardless of whether I am honoured in that role or not. I have no solid answer. And I now no longer have someone with which to process it.
Unless things change, I am now an orphan.
