As the years have gone on, I've had more and more difficulty accepting my age and all that comes with it. I am determined to turn things around, but have been dragging my butt - I know what needs to be done, I make the plans, and then watch the time go by. I could point fingers as a multitude of reasons why, but the fact is - here I sit, and nothing of outward significance has changed.
Somewhere along the way, I began a Birthday Ritual - it began randomly, as most rituals do. I hit a birthday and my plans fell through. It was a significant year, and something went south and I found myself looking forward to a milestone alone. Not very exciting. So, instead of waiting for something to fall from the sky and provide alternative plans, I took the bull by the horn and made my own. I booked time off work and 'ran away' - it ended up that I visited friends, but what I remember best was the solitude alone, the discovery of vistas that I had forgotten existed just outside my front door.
Last year, I did it again .. and this year, it is now my personal yearly ritual. Thank you to the creation and discovery of Airbnb, I can find a little place within my price-range to isolate myself, reconnect with dreams and vision, and contemplate 'what now?' ... and what better time than to do it on my birthday?
I've been struggling with a few things, mostly in me, and not knowing what to do or where to go with these thoughts and feelings. It was great to take some time and see what I could do about putting them into words. In this case, they formed a part of two letters, so we'll pull that and keep it. In the middle of one of them, I realized that I could take this to a counsellor, I didn't need to work through this alone ... so when I get back, that's what I will do. I get the feeling that there is a discovery here to be made - about myself and potentially my future.
I also wanted to do some writing ... and, in a round-about way, I did. Now, to start pulling bits together so I don't lose them as I start making progress forward on this idea. I can do a self-created writers retreat anytime, but this was a good time to start.
Which leads me to yesterday - my 55th birthday. I woke to the beginnings of a snowfall that had the signs of being one of those picture-perfect experiences - soft, big flakes, falling straight down, building up to create a white, fluffy blanket covering everything. I was at a ski resort, high in the Canadian Rockies, so I didn't think too much of it ... but thought it best I get going sooner rather than later. I know roads can quickly get treacherous, and I didn't have my winter tires on yet. Well, to make a long story short, Snowfall Warnings followed me all the way to Canmore and between Banff and Canmore, I realized that I could not continue to travel. For most of the day, travel was fine - beautiful, white, fluffy and fine. But somewhere it changed ... still white, still fluffy, and thankfully not a breath of wind ... but the road conditions were no longer safe. I pulled in to Canmore to clear my windshield (for the 3rd time), and discovered I had no traction. And I was still a good 100 km from home.
Because it was my birthday, I had received a bunch of birthday wishes sent to me via FaceBook and had kind of sent occasional comments on what I was going through. There is no doubt that people were praying for me ... because I had no idea what I missed and how 'lucky' I was to get one of the last rooms in the town. On the highway, just past Canmore ... people were either in an accident or waiting in a traffic jam for upwards of 10 hours. TEN HOURS. I had no idea. A warming place was set up in the Canmore High School, gave a place to about 500 people, and I had no idea. I got my room and at least 100 people came and asked after me, and I had no idea. I opened the curtains to my hotel room this morning ...
My birthday present this year ... a winter wonderland of blessings beyond words.
My personal gift from God.
