I feel now, that things have changed in some wonderful ways, that I am at a crossroads. In a good way. I am now at a point where I can make decisions for the good - for me, and for those I want to have a relationship with. Have I hit 'rock bottom'? maybe in some ways. But the one thing that is there is hope, is knowing that this doesn't have to be where it ends.
I know that this medium automatically assumes that there is an external audience, someone I do not know could be reading this. So, as I write, I want to keep that uppermost in my mind and hope that what I write might help someone else in some way. That you are not alone in your struggles. And maybe, in some small way, I can encourage you through the choices I make and thoughts that I have. I also realize that I should consider consolidating it all in some way, so everything is in one place. Hence, part of the crossroads I feel I'm at.
In another way, I know that I'm at a point where things can really turn around. For the first time in my life, I feel that I am employed in a secure position that I don't have to worry about that base income to live. It's not a lot, but it's enough. And after the time unemployed and wondering where things will go next, I am grateful beyond words for my job and the people I work with. It's not perfect, there are times when I get a little despondent because it's not 'perfect' but then I remember that it is a job, that it pays the bills and that right now, I know that this is where I'm supposed to be.
I work the day and it gives me evenings and weekends free to pursue other things. The thing is that I haven't been pursuing other things. I've been working through things internally and I believe I'm at the point to take action. Somehow, I need to turn things around. I went to see a counsellor this last week (for something else) and they asked me how I'm doing, how mentally healthy do I believe I am. And I believe I am ... however, there are corners and places that struggle. That's a good way to put it. And, in that 'struggle', the thought that goes through my head is, 'is this worth it to put the effort in or am I too old and things too far gone and should I just let it coast out to the end?' I was honest with them ... and part of that honesty, in addition to acknowledging that struggle, also acknowledges that voice in me that refuses to give up yet. Sometimes it's just a voice, but it's there - and in that alone, there is hope. I live a rather isolated life and I know there is danger in that ... so that is part of this journey as well.
Just came across a quote - "you can't heal it unless you feel it." I occasionally watch the show Hoarders and know that there are times when I border on this. So many of the moments they describe as their turning points (trauma, loss, abuse, rejection, sickness, depression, etc.) are similar to my story. And I know that that is part of the crossroads I'm at. Part of the gift I've received from working where I'm at is seeing that there is an aspect to my existence that is akin to intergenerational trauma. And I see how that plays out in my everyday world. For some people, it plays out in addictions and abuse; for me, it plays out in inactivity and isolation. This quote particularly hits home because I know there are things I'm deliberately repressing because I don't want to face it. And maybe, that also is part of the problem.
Lots to do ... where to start. I guess this is where the first step comes, right?
