So, another week until my birthday - my 59th. And, in a lot of ways, I've never felt better ... it's been a long time since the ground beneath me has been unstable, but also a long time since I've felt this invigorated and optimistic about that unknown future. It's like the experience and lessons I've learned now are starting to come into play. And that is definitely a good thing!
This last weekend, I had an experience I don't want to forget. Ever since the shit hit the fan with my brother all those years ago, I've been slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will likely live out my days as an Elder Orphan. That's not to say 'oh, woe is me', but there are things that need to be taken into account if that is my lot in life. And, I think I'm at the place in life where ... "ok, so be it. And, now, let's prepare for it and make the best of what is left for me." This weekend reminded me that I do have family. Well, I do have relations, anyway.
In the indigenous community, they end everything with the statement, "All My Relations". And it always rang off for me, empty, vacant. I felt like 'they' were so far over 'there' and I am 'here' and rarely / never do our paths cross. This last weekend, there was a funeral - the wife of my uncle (mom's brother). I made the effort to go, to drive from Calgary to Russell, MB, and gather in support of my uncle and his kids, my cousins. And, it was good. It was really good. On Friday evening, I sat in a room where I knew about 40% of the people there, but I also knew that they were ALL my relations. ALL my relations. What a beautiful thing to be able to say and to truly feel it!
I spent as much time as I could connecting to these relations, the ones that wanted to connect with me and it was wonderful. More than once I was pulled to tears, more than once I felt 'home'. In fact, I think I have also decided on a plan for when my life comes to an end. And, in that is a freedom as well. I have work to do - much work to do - but I have a direction to head.
So, even though all my balls are still up in the air - my living surroundings, my possessions, my future plans, my financial stability, my goals and dreams, and all sorts of other things, I'm starting to feel the fog rise. I'm starting to experience a lightening, a path forward, even if it is only one step at a time!
I guess the next question is: what to achieve between now and the end of the year? Where do I want to go in the next ... ??? 5 years? and what are the beginning steps to take now? Time to 'take it to the page' and set a clear direction. Time's ticking!
