This last September, I shared about the passing of my Aunt, and the funeral gathering. In less than a week after her burial, my Uncle took himself to the hospital and within days, he, too, had passed away. The family was in shock. We all were. He had survived 3 cancers (lung cancer, lymphoma, and leukemia) and had 2/3 of a lung removed as well as recovered from a very serious grain auger accident. He was a hard worker, he was a man of faith and integrity. And, it would seem that without his wife to give his life meaning, he just gave up. So, we all gathered again this last weekend to remember him and lay him to rest beside his wife in the family graveyard. This time, I traveled with cousins and stayed with cousins. This time, my brother was absent. This time, as full of sorrow as the time was, there were incredible blessings, too. Maybe more than last time.
You see, it seems that this year has been full of one 'curse' after another for me - the job loss, the financial fears, the rent increase and subsequent decision to move, the move itself, the loss of independence, a few accidents thrown in (toenail loss and fainting/faceplant into a counter), the death of ... not one, not two, not even three ... but four people I know. Two relations, one work friend, and one mother of a good friend. And this year isn't over yet. I remember many years ago, at the funeral of another relative, an Uncle said - "They come and they go." At the time, I thought it was a heartless thing to say. Now, it seems to be more of a fact. That's how life goes - we come, and we go. There are beginnings and there are endings. There are curses and there are blessings.
It would be so easy to go down the rabbit hole of the miseries in life. The pain, the loss. But, what would be the point? Would it change anything? Likely not. To grieve is good. To know that something that meant something to me is gone and I miss it, that there will be a hole in my life because of that is not a bad thing. To honour the memories I have of them and gratitude for the lessons and good times is good. To take those teachings and make my life better because they taught and showed me is definitely very good. To pause to grieve and mourn is necessary, and to find a way forward is also necessary.
Maybe that's what this year is about - saying goodbye to what was. I know there were times when I truly thought that the time had come for me to let things go. Let go of the pain I've been going through these past years, let go of the wishes I've had to find a place close to my brother and long for the words of approval from him, let go of all the things I thought my life would be. Say goodbye, say thank you, and let go. And it seems that this year has brought more and more of that realization into my experience. Yet, at the same time, it has reminded me that when things are let go, a space is created ... for new beginnings.
As I also mentioned, I just had my 59th birthday. One more year to 60. I can't believe I am that old! And yet, I am. Maybe that is what this time should be about - letting go, ending ... and starting again, beginning. What do I want to carry with me into the new chapter? What will I express my gratitude, set down and bury and say goodbye to? what new things will be birthed because there is now room? Like the song from Spamalot, "I'm not dead yet!" There are things yet to be lived and birthed, seen and become!
The one big thing to take with me is family. Not in the way of my brother and his children, but in the way of those from whom I come. One of my favourite stories in the world is a story called Barrington Bunny by Martin Bell. In this story, Barrington is sad because he has no family at Christmas time. There are no other bunnies in the forest. But, the Great Wolf comes and reminds him that all the animals in the forest are his family. Even if they don't invite him to their Christmas party, they are still his family. And, that is my story as well. Though my brother is no longer in the picture, I still have relations, family. The story continues to describe how Barrington gives gifts to his forest family, "from a member of their family, no strings attached." In a way, it's not about what we get from family, but from what we give. To them and to others. Humanity is my family, and even if I'm alone, I can still give. Perhaps these last weeks have reminded me that "all the animals in the forest are my family." And, there are many that I am connected to. It's not about the literal direct blood links, but about the bigger picture, the links through time - all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. The struggles and sacrifices. But there are good things too - hard work, integrity, perseverance, staying true to the values you claim to live by. Life is not easy; no one said that it was supposed to be. In fact, what milktoasts we would all be if our life was easy! But, with people by your side - family - it feels like any difficulty is possible to get through and overcome. Family means you're not alone. And, these last months have reminded me of that - I am not alone.
People often ask: what is the meaning of life? I might have an answer - community. Family. People to walk beside you and say 'you can do it' .. people to share how they have survived and to be the light to shine onto your path, so you can survive, too. And then, you too can shine the light for others, for others in your family.
We are who we become from where we have come. Yes, the curse and difficulty of yesterday can become my blessing and strength today. Of that, I have no doubt.
The indigenous people have a phrase they say, at the end of gatherings. It's used sort of like 'amen' or 'so be it' or 'it is'. Maybe a little like 'namaste' - the god in me recognizes the god in you. The expression is "All my relations." I spoke of it last writing. Here's what it says online about this phrase: "all my relations" means all. When a speaker makes this statement, it is meant as a recognition of the principles of harmony, unity, and equality. It's a way of saying you recognize your place in the universe and that you recognize the place of others and of other things in the realm of the real and the living." In my mind, now, I also acknowledge the history through which my people have come. Because of my journey over this last year and last months, because of these endings - I now have the beginning to know I am connected. What an amazing feeling!
All my relations!
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